Rollercoasters and Butterflies

We like butterflies! They are pretty and we imagine that they have a lot of fun in their lives, flying to wherever they want, nibbling here and nibbling there on a bit of nectar, not caring about a lot and enjoying the sunshine. Just a little flip side, though: They get easily carried away by the wind. There are even migrating butterflies using the wind for their purposes, but they have been found in places where they don't belong. 

For me this shows, that sometimes the things that we like, are not the things we should desire. Everyone who is caught in a rut might crave an exciting and spontaneous life, some even break out, go travelling for a year. 'Eat, prey, love' was such a successful book that it was made into a film. We yearn for comfort and an easier life and once in a while we see an opportunity, some excuses to not do the focused stuff, and we let go. We might not let go entirely but at least in parts. The things that I need focus on to keep me in good working condition are sport and food, and during the last half year I had enough excuses and during Christmas additional opportunity to lose that focus.

Oh, it's nice! Don't get me wrong, the initial moment feels like sinking into a hot bath, but the longer the comfort lasts the more difficult it becomes to gain control. It was nice to be a drifter for a while, to go with the flow, to not plan ahead to far ... until ... I realised that I have no time to work for my dreams, that I have more headaches and back pain, that my clothes don't fit and that I am tired but unable to sleep well. Six month of comfortable life and losing control gained me 10kg and ill health. 

I have been writing about routine VS spontaneity on various occasions before, and the past half year confirms all my theories. Being a butterfly is not 'spontaneous', it is drifting in space. True spontaneity only can occur when there is a routine from which it can rise up. The effort of creating routine in our lives is the price we have to pay for those wonderful spontaneous and inspiring moments when we decide to do something unusual right here and now.

Every year during winter I am slipping, but this year was different, I did not just slip, I went down! I had moments during which I felt like been set back to square one, before Incredible Ladies. Doubting everything that I thought I had learnt about myself and life.

Since two weeks I am now back into my normal food, which others would find boring and flavourless, but it is my food, I like it. Since one week I am back to a well thought through schedule of work, my training, coaching, blogging and learning for exams. Headaches are gone, back aches are receding, my mood is better and I am beginning to sleep well. I guess I need another fortnight to get entirely settled, and then the weight will come down all by itself.

Those past two weeks have blown away all my doubts!

I am starting to believe that midlife crisis in fact is the realisation of being a drifter, followed by the search for focus and a routine that makes sense. My journey from Project Rika via Incredible Ladies to IL Project and ILP Fusion, is exactly that.

Life is such a roller coaster ride. When down, then there is so much incentive to put in the effort to drive me up; when up, then the incentive is gone and moving on becomes so hard and boring at times, that I fear to get stuck in a rut... so I let go, just a bit initially and then things fall apart until I am down and drifting again.

There however is a third dimension to it. The effort to get up becomes less! I have learnt my lessons. I know how to create routine, I am more assertive about it. It became easier to decide what I actually want, getting there faster. I am not guaranteed that I ever will find a steady pace that keeps me on top. Maybe that isn't even the lifestyle I am intended for.

Hence for the time being I will acknowledge that my life is a roller coaster. As long as I can determine if I want to be on the up or the down, and as long as I know how to turn it round, all is good!

 Love








related:
eat love prey the book
eat love prey the movie
Elizabeth Gilbert (author) homepage

I'm doing it again!

I have entered a new 'selfish phase'. I had to!

When I started the whole Project Rika thing I imagined that at one point one would arrive, and then be THERE for good. I now have to realise, that there is no THERE. New challenges - yes, falling into old habits - as well, but there is no 'arriving'. I surely have reached a level of content which I didn't have before, but arriving would mean that I am standing still. This wonderful idea of reaching a higher level and then having my peace and basically the same comfort like before Project Rika, just without the back pain and the headaches, is just not working.

I now realise that for me standing still is almost the same as going backwards. Over time I have conceived a level of self observation which now allows me to see that slowly but surely I was on my way of being dragged back into the old ways, and not just in what I do, but in what I think and feel as well. Again, like three years ago when I set up the Lifestyle part of IL, I now feel selfish when I am not socialising as much in order to keep myself together. Again, it seems that my doings are not necessarily seen as work but as 'a phase she is in', this is at least how it feels when I excuse myself for leaving the dining table early and am told: 'Yes, you are allowed to be asocial'. I know it's a joke, but there must be something in my body language provoking that joke... and that is not good!

So my dear friends: I herewith apologize in advance for any asocial behaviour. I have a new project to run!

The aim is to bring Incredible Ladies Project up to decent levels and to win me a reputation as a writer! That means that I will have to work a lot, and that I will have to learn a lot, and that  I will have to do the right things to have something to write about. And it means that I only will go to the movies when I really need a break, or the movie is really worth watching, and altogether I will have to be rather strict in my time management. I am going back to my Incredible Ladies roots, learning from myself and inviting you to join me on that journey. Praise to Farnaz who four years ago gave me the idea to write it all down!
Love

PS: It is the 27th November 2010, 16:10 and I am sitting at my computer!